14 Ways you can be Sure you’ve Married a Geek

Everyone knows that when you get married, your life changes. When Jeffrey and I recently tied the knot, we were advised by the older and wiser that the first year of marriage is the hardest. But so far, it has been fantastic. Don’t get me wrong; just because married life is proving to be bliss does not mean there haven’t been any of those aforementioned changes. Recently, I realized that the “married life changes” that I am adjusting to are all coincidentally related to the fact that Jeffrey is a web developer, a.k.a Geek.

So I’ve put together a list of the major changes that have surprised and humored me the most. Developers: this one is for your spouses, not you.

1 - I Actually Know What a Web Dev is

I always assumed a web developer was some person who worked on computers and sometimes made pretty web pages. Simple. End of story. I don’t think Jeffrey would have consented to marrying me if I didn’t get it all straightened out. I am proud to say that I now have a mild understanding of Ruby, jQuery and PHP. Oh, and there IS a difference between Flash and JavaScript. That’s a big one.

Editor/Jeffrey’s Note: Sweet pea – not “Flash and JavaScript” … “Java and JavaScript.” Close though!

2 - Sunblock and Aspirin are a Must

Much like vampires, web developers, too, can burst into flames when in direct sunlight.

Much like vampires, web developers, too, can burst into flames when in direct sunlight. Instead of dealing with a burned husband who refuses to leave the safety of his dark, cozy computer lair, I keep a bottle of SPF 70 handy. As for the aspirin? Geeks, especially web dev geeks, spend 75% of their lives looking at screens. Ironically, to take a break from one screen, they often simply migrate to another. My husband will spend the afternoon working on the computer only to suggest we see that new Pixar movie at the cinema later that evening. Screen headaches are bound to happen to even the best of them.

3 - The Bed is a Hub for All Electronics

Photo by Veronica Belmont.

I think we all remember the great wine spill of 2010.

Somehow, our bed has turned into the charging station for all laptops and portables. The old charging area has now been deemed by my husband as too dangerous. (I think we all remember the great wine spill of 2010.) But, this new bed setup has lead me to have two major phobias. One fear is that I’ll be strangled in my sleep by a laptop charger. There is also the anxiety that, while sleeping, I’ll knock Jeff’s computer or the iPad off the bed and onto the hard floor, smashing it into pieces. Any more gadgets added to the king size charging zone and I may develop a complex.

4 - I Don’t Dress Up to Get his Attention

When we first began dating, I wore sexy little outfits and flirty dresses. Now I find that, if I am surfing for compliments or affection, all I have to wear is a geeky shirt.

I got the hint when he would see a nerdy, retro shirt and immediately purchase it for me. I’ve forgotten how uncomfortable stilettos can be. If I think his computer is getting too much face time, I just slip into a Super Mario, Rocko’s Modern Life, or Star Trek shirt to redirect his priorities (All “presents” from him; note the quotations.)

5 - Back-up Plans A, B, and C are a Necessity

You see, dinner and movie times are dependent on pending export, download and upload times. Too many nights, we have changed dinner locations or seen a different movie because some file is not exporting fast enough.

The most overused phrase is, “Just one more minute and then we can go.”

I am no longer fooled by him. It is never only one more minute. Back up plans are a necessary evil.

6 – I Don’t Care if he Hits on Other Girls

Now before you go and get the wrong idea, we are not swingers. There is a catch.

I don’t care if he hits on other girls…just as long as they are digital.

I love cuddling up on the couch with some popcorn and watching Jeffrey play Fallout, Fable or Mass Effect. It is like watching an action movie or a soap opera, but I get to pick what the main character says, who he kills and who he tries to get into bed with. What fun! I was particularly angry when he messed up his relationships with both the British chick and the blue alien chick in Mass Effect.

Editor/Jeffrey’s Note: Yes, Mass Effect folks; I ended up with the bald chick. It’s not like I wanted it to turn out that way!

7 - That Damn White Space

Whenever I find a new piece of furniture or hang some art on the wall, I am constantly reminded about how I need to be mindful of “white space.” Apparently dabbling in web design makes you an expert in how to properly decorate a house. Bah!

Editor/Jeffrey’s Note: Thanks for using the word, “dabble.”

8 - All Gifts are High Tech

What I really wanted for Christmas was a good, simple flat iron. What I got was a high tech monster! Sure, it was a hair straightener; but this thing was stainless steel, digital, and, with the right calculations, could contact a space station. I am terrified to let him pick me up any feminine products for fear of what he might bring home. Perhaps the original iPad?

9 - My House is an Enchanted Forest

[...] It is the sound of various media alerts.

Let me clarify. My house sounds like an enchanted forest. From the moment I wake up, all I hear is the sound of trills, chirps and whistles. But unlike a Disney princess, I am not greeted by animated birds, woodland creatures or fairies. It is the sound of various media alerts from Twitter, Facebook, Email, and Yammer that wake me up and fill my home with magic. Even better, the alerts are duplicated across his laptop and phone. Yay!

10 - DVDs are Restricted

I’ve had to listen to Jeffrey’s predictions about the demise of video rental stores for years, and his criticisms of Blockbuster’s business decisions. Now he has eradicated all DVDs from our home and is forcing me to appreciate exactly how we are able to watch our TV shows and movies. For example, I am required to ooh and aww when the movie we are watching is streaming across our 50mbps local network, into our Mac Mini media center…all without an ounce of buffering.

Editor/Jeffrey’s Note: I wasn’t making “predictions” about Blockbuster years ago. I was reciting events that hadn’t yet taken place. Prophecy…or pre-facts.

11 - 8-Bit Music

Somehow, video game music is on my iPod. Do you know how weird (at times, embarrassing) it is to be listening to Katy Perry one moment and then the music from Super Metroid begins to play? I’ve almost driven off the road before when the Star Wars Imperial March started blasting out of my speakers!

Editor/Jeffrey’s Note: Super Metroid is the greatest game ever made. You should have thanked me for being nice enough to put that game’s soundtrack on your iPod.

12 - “You Gotta Have Rules”

“Please get off your phone,” is a common phrase.

“Please get off your phone,” is a common phrase, and we don’t even have kids yet. I have to enforce the “no technology” rule on date night and at the dinner table. I know it is work related, but it is necessary for you web devs to take a break from phones and computers on nights out and weekends. I am not above confiscating his phone and hiding it in my massive purse where he could never find it.

13 - Knock Knock Knock, Penny!

I know now why I find The Big Bang Theory such a fun show to watch. It closely parallels my own life. Like Penny, I’ve had to navigate my way through the geek world. The other day, I patiently listened as my husband described a whole episode of STNG (Star Trek: The Next Generation, for the non-geeks among you), and how the crew encountered a temporal anomaly (they sure do encounter a lot of those on that show). When he goes on these tangents, I often think, “What would Penny do?”

Editor/Jeffrey’s Note: Okay – firstly, it was a 30 second story of the episode; hardly a tangent. Secondly, it’s a kick butt episode that you still haven’t watched yet. (It’s the one where the crew keeps repeating the same period of time, ultimately blowing up the ship each iteration.)

14 - Resistance is Futile.

I have been assimilated. I am now a geek, too.